I am a 32 year old Chinese woman. I used to be an editor and worked for publishing companys in Beijing for several years. Two years ago, I quit my job and left Beijing for depression and anxiety. I travelled to the Philippines and stay at there for several months. Then I went back to my morther’s home because I had almost used up my savings. I have been hiding at home for more than 16 months and cutting down the connections with people almost I know, especially the excoworkers. Such a loser, right? Even one of my best friends think so and talked like that to my face. I had been deppression for this for a while, and then I realize I am not a loser, I am a person who need help. As for this friend, I do not know if she is a true friend.
Who else think I am a loser? My mother, my dear mother. She couldn’t understand me and kept saying “Such a failure” and urging me to go to work. But I did not what to do anything and I could not do anything.
After panicing for epidemic situation, thousand times of quarrelling and fighting with my mother and reading psychological self-help books with crying, I feel a little better now. I need a job to stay away from my mother.
It’s difficult for me, I think. For a person who has been unemployed for two years and do not know what I want to do in a country where age and gender discrimination exists. But I do want to start again. I sign in this website to recording my day-to-day life, the process of finding a job and starting my life for cheer myself up. I do not know what will happened in my future and I am still worried about it. But I am in.
To be honest, I don’t know if this is a correct place to publish these diarys and my English is not very good. It will be a lot of grammer mistakes and low quality English writing. Apologize for that, I just want to have a try.
